


Fate

by MagicalMoon



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Love, Miscarriage, Somewhat graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-05 23:19:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14629122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalMoon/pseuds/MagicalMoon
Summary: As Kathryn and Chakotay are faced with the loss of their unborn child they are forced to depend on fate.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> These characters belong to Paramount (I'm just borrowing them) 
> 
> This story contains a theme surrounding miscarriage. If you are very sensitive to this topic I do not recommend reading this fic. 
> 
>  
> 
> Hope you all enjoy :)

The moment Captain Janeway entered the Bridge he knew something was wrong. She was frowning and her brows furrowed in concentration. Typically the captain kindly greets her crew each day but today she was curt, and her tone possessed a certain coolness. When she sat beside him, Chakotay was able to examine his Captain closely. He noticed Kathryn was very pale and there were dark circles beneath her eyes. Chakotay contemplated whether or not he should address her unusual state. He was aware that at times like this her mood was erratic and very difficult to predict.

After the senior officers gave her their reports, she excused herself from the bridge and entered her ready room, putting Chakotay in charge. 

Twenty minutes later he was staring at a blank view screen. Chakotay decided he would check on the Captain. Tuvok was more than willing to take his place. 

 

After a few moments, he was granted entrance. The first thing he noticed was a crying Kathryn. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her cheeks, as well as her nose, were red. He knew that the Captain didn’t need her first officer, she required Chakotay.

She hesitantly looked at him. Chakotay’s response was to open his arms “come here, baby.” 

Chakotay was surprised when she immediately ran into his arms and sobbed into his chest. He felt Kathryn’s tears soaking through his uniform, but he continued to hold her tightly rubbing her back. 

“Shh” he kissed the top of her head “I’m here, I will always be here, now tell me, my love, why are you crying.” 

He heard her sniffle, but she remained against his chest. “I’m just not feeling well.”

“What do you feel ?” he asked while rubbing calming circles on her back. 

Kathryn quickly pulled away and ran into the bathroom. Chakotay immediately followed. She was kneeling over the toilet just In case she was to throw up. Chakotay put his palm on her forehead. This was a trick he learned from his mother. When himself and his sister had a stomach virus, she would hold their foreheads to prevent them from getting an excruciating headache. Luckily Kathryn did not throw up. She leaned back against Chakotay’s chest and closed her eyes. 

“I’m nauseous, tired and scared.” 

Chakotay felt even more uneasy. Captain Janeway was never scared. Stressed, yes, stubborn yes, but never frightened. He helped Kathryn off the floor and led them to the couch. He tried to conceal his worry, not wanting to add to her fear. 

He took her hand and gently rubbed the back of her hand, “ have you seen the doctor?" 

She shook her head quickly “no, I can’t.” 

Chakotay graced her with a small smile “I know the doctor is a pain in the ass, but you need to get checked out. He will give you a hypospray for nausea.” 

“Chakotay, I can’t. Stop bothering, or you can leave” 

His anger was very apparent. “Kathryn tell me what the hell is going on.” 

She looked down at her hands and weakly spoke: “I can’t, please just leave me alone.” 

Chakotay was more confused then he was before. “Goddamnit Kathryn, now I’m the one who’s scared. You know you are my life, and nothing you say can change that.” 

She took a deep breath, “I’m almost three weeks late for my period, and I’ve been getting sick during the night and in the early morning. I don’t want to go to the doctor. I’m afraid to find out. I can’t be pregnant Chakotay. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but our circumstance makes us unable to care for a child properly. I can’t be a good mother and captain at the same time. It wouldn’t be fair to the baby or the crew. 

Chakotay gestured for the anxious woman to lie down. She placed her head on his lap. He stroked her hair hoping it would help her calm down. 

“Kathryn, I will always continue to be by your side. If you are pregnant, then we will find a way to be good parents and continue to focus on our primary mission. When our relationship became intimate, you were worried we couldn’t be lovers and bridge officers, but here we are. I’ve always wanted to be a father, even more so knowing that I would be the father of this child that was created with the woman I love.” 

She was beaming with tears in her eyes. Her love for the man sitting adjacent to her was the most intense feeling she has ever experienced, and at times it overwhelmed her. She sat up and gently caressed his soft tan cheek before giving him a small kiss. “I love you.” 

Chakotay’s responded by reciprocating Kathryn’s actions. “I love you too, how are you feeling now ?” 

She took a sip of her water “nausea has subsided, but the nerves are still there.” 

“Would you like to go to sickbay ?” he asked with concern still evident in his voice. 

The captain shook her head, “I need to get back to the bridge.” With that, she yawned, which did not go unnoticed by her first commander.

 

“Kathryn, the skies seem to be clear for the foreseeable future. At the very least take a nap” to his surprise his sleepy captain didn’t argue; instead, she closed her eyes and within a few minutes Chakotay heard her breathing even indicating she was asleep. Before going back on the bridge, he put a blanket over her sleeping form and placed a kiss on her forehead. 

~~~

After their shifts, Kathryn and Chakotay could be found in her quarters enjoying a dinner of Caesar salad. 

“Feeling any better ?” Chakotay asked after taking a sip of his wine. 

“Yes, very much so. I was able to review a few reports and study some of the data Seven brought me about the m-class planet she and Harry found on sensors. I hope the crew can go on shore leave. Their work has been nothing but exemplary, and they all deserve some time off.” 

“You know Kathryn; you deserve a break too.” When he reached out to touch her hand, she was already grabbing the serving spoon, placing a third serving of salad onto her plate.

He grinned it brought Chakotay so much joy seeing the woman he loved taking care of herself. He stared at the eating woman across from him, imagining what she would look like with a child, his child growing within her. The man’s heart soared at the thought. 

“What are you smiling at commander ?” she asked with a hint of playfulness. 

“I’m just imagining how you would look with our child growing inside you.” 

Kathryn walked over to him and made room so she could sit on his lap. “What would I look like ?”

“You would be glowing, and I would treasure the changes of your body knowing that it is our child, a being made from our love growing inside of you. I also pictured a very pregnant Captain waddling around the bridge.” 

He immediately felt her swat his shoulder “hey I was just kidding !” 

She smirked and rubbed the spot she just hit Just wait until the mood swings. You’ll be lucky if all you get is a swat on the shoulder.” 

Chakotay brushed her hair behind her neck and kissed her neck before whispering “I can’t wait.” 

Kathryn grinned realizing that maybe being a mom wouldn't be so sorry after all 

~~~

When Chakotay finished getting dressed he headed to the bridge. He looked around, but the Captain was nowhere to be found.”Where’s Captain Janeway ?” 

“The Captain is in her ready room and has asked not to be disturbed unless there is a red alert,” Tuvok responded in his usual stoic voice. 

Once he was told that Janeway was in her ready room, he ignored whatever Tuvok said next. Chakotay requested access to the ready room at; first there was no response, but a few moments later the doors opened. When he stepped inside, he saw Kathryn looking out her window at on the upper level of the room. 

“Chakotay, should I do it.” 

“Do what ?” 

She was fidgeting with the mug in her hands “Take a pregnancy test.” 

He walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, “you can do whatever feels right. I’m here Kathryn, but we will have to find out at some point.” 

Kathryn nodded and made her way to the replicator. “I’ll be back in a minute.” 

She was holding a stick in her hand when she walked out of the bathroom. Chakotay watched her pace back and forth never taking her eyes off the test. In what felt like forever. Kathryn looked up at him with a look he couldn’t comprehend. 

“I’m pregnant.” 

“Computer Log Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay off duty for the next 24 hours.” 

Kathryn was frozen to the spot. The look on her face was impassive. 

“Chakotay, what are we going to do ?” 

“Well,” he took her hand “we are going to go back to your quarters and talk.”

~~~ 

When they arrived, they both took the opportunity to change into something more comfortable and sat on the bed. 

“I don't know if I'm ready."

“You may not feel ready now, but eventually you will feel more ready than you would ever expect." 

She laid down “Chakotay; I’m too old to be a mom. How can I be a good mother and a Starfleet Captain too ?” 

Chakotay knew Kathryn’s fears were justified, but part of him was thrilled. “Kathryn, you said you’ve always wanted to be a mother.” 

She sat up on her elbows “yes.” 

He turned over and lied down, so Chakotay was level with her. “That in itself already makes you a great mom. We both love this being inside of you and the rest will come later .” Then he rolled her over so that she was above him. “I love you, Kathryn.” 

She brought her lips to his “I love you too, you’ll be a great daddy.” 

They made long and gentle love. Chakotay took his time worshipping the temple that was holding his child. 

~~~ 

A week later Kathryn and Chakotay were accepting the fact that they would be parents. They both found themselves getting excited as they thought about their future baby. Fortunately, the morning sickness began to wear off. However, she still dealt with bouts of nausea. When Chakotay saw her run into the ready room, he wanted to follow, but both of them agreed that her pregnancy could not impact their professional lives, at least for the moment. 

Before the gamma shift, the couple had their first appointment with the doctor. Chakotay was very excited. Although Kathryn was excited, worry seemed to rise above. 

“Kathryn, calm down” he rubbed her shoulders. We will hear our child’s heartbeat and maybe find out if it’s a boy or girl unless you want it to be a surprise.” 

She couldn’t help but smile, Chakotay’s enthusiasm comforted her as well as added to her own excitement.

Kathryn lied on the biobed, taking a deep breath as the doctor ran his tricorder over her abdomen. She and Chakotay grasped each other’s hands. Both were silent anticipating the sound of their baby’s heartbeat. As minutes passed, they still hadn’t heard anything. Kathryn felt a pit drop into her stomach. Was something wrong? Maybe the doctor was running tests, or perhaps his tricorder isn’t functioning correctly. 

When she looked up at Chakotay fear was written all over his face. Kathryn was afraid to ask the doctor what was going on, not wanting to know the answer. 

“Doctor, is everything okay?” He croaked 

When the doctor looked up at them defeated it was as if time stood still. Kathryn felt the tears already sliding down her cheeks. 

“Captain, Commander, I cannot find a heartbeat. I’m sorry.” 

Chakotay helped her sit up on the biobed. He pulled her into an embrace. The couple cried. They mourned the life they only knew for a short time. The command couple didn’t think it was possible to love something, someone so much.

Suddenly they heard the doctors voice, reminding them that they weren’t alone. 

“Captain, for the next week or so maybe a bit longer your body will have to expel the fetus as well as the placenta and uterine wall. I will give you a hypospray to relieve your pain, however using it could potentially slow down the process.”

Chakotay could see the blank look on Kathryn’s face; he knew she was light years away. All he wanted at the moment was to take his love home and make her comfortable.

“Thank you, Doctor. When will she be able to come home.” 

“She can return to her quarters now.” He handed Chakotay a pad. “These are some instructions as well as things you may want to replicate.” 

Chakotay looked down at the list and then up to the doctor. “How do you know so much about this topic ?” 

His face became sullen “unfortunately commander; Captain Janeway is not the only person on this ship to suffer a miscarriage.” 

In all honesty, Chakotay never knew how many crewmen actually paired off. 

When they went to leave, the doctor pulled Chakotay aside “Kathryn and well as you will be going through a tough time. More than anything, you have to comfort each other.” 

Chakotay nodded “of course.” 

~~~

Chakotay took the liberty of replicating towels and maxi pads. Then Kathryn walked out of the bedroom wearing a large t-shirt. Her eyes were puffy, and she was evidently exhausted. 

“Are you hungry ?” 

She shook her head 

Chakotay touched the small of her back “you should sleep, you need your strength. Would you like me to lie down with you?” 

Kathryn replied with a nod. 

She nuzzled into his embrace and closed her eyes. He rubbed circles around her back until he heard light snoring. After he was sure, she was relaxed he closed his eyes. 

~~~

“Chakotay!” 

He immediately sat up, his heart pounding. “What’s wrong.” 

Kathryn clasped her abdomen “it hurts.” 

When he went to get out of bed he realized his pants were stained, he glanced down and saw blood on the sheets. 

Kathryn looked down at the mess.“I’m so sorry Chakotay.” she said in between sobs 

He gently hugged her and kissed the top of her head “don’t be, I love every part of you.” 

Kathryn deeply breathed in and out. A few moments later she seemed a bit more relaxed. 

“Are you able to stand up? We could both use a quick shower. It may help the pain.” 

She nodded “I just need some help getting up.” 

Before she could say another word, Chakotay lifted her up and carried her to the bathroom. The couple divested themselves of their clothing, and once the water was at a comfortable temperature, Chakotay helped Kathryn into the shower. 

The warm water did soothe her pain. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the calmness that swept over her. Kathryn turned around and placed her head on Chakotay’s broad chest. He soothingly rubbed a washcloth down her body while whispering words of love. 

Another sharp pain shot through her lower abdomen making her slip, Chakotay caught her before she could hit the ground. As Kathryn let out little cries of pain, he gently lowered her to the ground and laid her against his chest. When Kathryn looked down, she saw a stream of pink flow down into the drain as well as her own tears. 

All Chakotay could do was let his love cry. He wished he could take away her pain.

“Chakotay, I can’t do this.” 

He felt her body tense as another wave of pain hit her. 

“Yes you can Kathryn, you are so strong,” he spoke as he stroked her forehead

She rode out the waves of pain and then finally her body began to relax. 

“Chakotay, can you help me get out please.” 

The towel-clad woman was carried back into her bedroom. Chakotay placed her on the chaise while he changed the sheets, this time putting a plastic covering over the mattress. 

When she laid down, Chakotay joined her. Kathryn gave him a strange look. 

“What ?” He asked 

“Why are you laying down.” 

He smiled warmly “last time I checked we share a bed” then his voice took on a serious tone. “ If you want me to leave I will. I understand if you need to be alone.” 

Guilt came over Kathryn. She didn’t want him to think she was pushing him away. “Darling I would love for you to stay but you know” she gestured to the spots of blood already on the cover. 

In response, he moved closer to her “do you want me to stay ?” 

“Yes of course bu-“ 

Chakotay stopped her before she could continue “No buts if you want me here I’m staying. I need you too.” 

Kathryn looked up at him realizing she was selfish. She wasn’t the only one in pain. She wasn’t the only one to have lost a baby. It was his too, and he is also hurting. He needed her as much as she needed him. She leaned her head on his chest and felt her eyelids getting heavy. 

“Sleep, Kathryn” 

Over the next couple of days, Kathryn’s physical pain began to go away slowly. The bleeding also decreased, but they decided to keep the plastic cover on just as a precaution. Chakotay said there was no need, but his lover said otherwise. She slept more through the night and was able to eat. However, Kathryn still looked sickly. Her face was pale, and there were dark circles under her eyes. Despite the doctor assuring him that she was perfectly healthy, he still worried. 

Chakotay stayed by her side. When she was awake, he was awake. He was able to anticipate her needs. Kathryn hated being treated this way. It made her feel weak and useless, but Chakotay was continuously reminding her of her strength. He often heard her trying to hide her pain. Rather than verbally acknowledging her discomfort he held her in his arm, silently conveying his love for her. 

On the fifth day, Chakotay decided that Kathryn deserved something to take her mind off of what has happened. He set up a relaxing bath. The tub was filled with warm water and lavender scented bubble bath as well as some candles spread throughout the room. When Chakotay was happy with the state of the bathroom, he gently woke the sleeping woman up and led her into the bathroom. 

For the first time in what seemed like years, he saw her give him the most beautiful smile. She kissed him softly, thanking him. 

When Kathryn’s whole body was submerged in the lavender scented water, Chakotay saw her close her eyes as she let out a tiny moan of appreciation. 

A few moments later she opened her eyes and looked up at smiling man who was placing a few towels on the side of the tub. “Aren’t you going to join me ?” 

Chakotay had no intention of joining his love. His sole purpose was having her relax. Part of him felt as if he was hovering over her the last few days and this would be an opportunity to give her space.

“Aren’t you sick of me by now ?” he asked giving her a dimpled smile. 

Kathryn softly pulled his hand gesturing him to kneel down. When his face was level with hers, she placed wet hands on his cheeks. “Never, I love you. Chakotay, over the last few days you have kept your promise to make my burden lighter. I can never get sick of you. So can you please take your clothes off and get in here before the water cools. 

The couple enjoyed their bath in silence. They both felt that no words needed to be spoken. Their physical contact was more than enough. 

For the first night in a while, Kathryn and Chakotay were able to sleep through the night. 

~~~~  
Four months later. Her life was relatively back to normal. However, there were days when she thought about the baby she lost. Today happened to be one of those days. Much to the Captain’s dismay, there was relatively no activity on the bridge which gave her time to think. She thought back to the day she told Chakotay about the possibility of her being pregnant. She remembered him saying how he always wanted to be a father. Guilt washed over Kathryn. She would never have the chance to give him a child. She was almost 40 years old. Being a mother was not in the cards for her. The captain went to her ready room and read over a few reports, hoping that they would chase away her thoughts. However, her attempts were unsuccessful. When there was a half hour left of her duty shift, Kathryn decided to hand the bridge off to Tuvok early. 

 

~~~

“I’m sorry,” Kathryn said as she brushed her hair. 

Chakotay regarded her with confusion “for what ?” 

“For not being able to give you children.” 

Chakotay went over to her as she began to sob. “Kathryn, don’t be sorry it's not your fault. If we are destined not to be parents, then we won’t be parents.”

Her voice took on a soft tone “What if you decide you want children and decide to leave me.” she sniffled and remarked softly “I don’t want you to leave me.” 

He pulled away and looked into teary eyes “Kathryn how could you think that ?” the angry man stormed out of the bedroom. 

For a moment Kathryn was too shocked to say anything. When she realized what was happening she whispered to herself “Please don’t leave me.” The tired woman had no strength to continue crying. 

When Chakotay re-entered the bedroom, Kathryn was still in the same spot she was in when he left. She looked at him with relief “I thought you left.” 

He looked at her thoughtfully “Kathryn I’m sorry, but I have to do what's best for me. Which is never to leave you.” He got down on one knee and pulled out a black velvet box. Chakotay gave Kathryn a broad grin.

“Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. As long as you are with me, I will never need anything else. You are my everything. Will you marry me ?” 

Once again she began crying, but for an entirely different reason “of course I will marry you.” 

After slipping a beautiful diamond ring onto her finger, he lifted her up and spun her around. The couple were laughing with giddiness in between passionate kisses. 

 

Whatever fate brought their way next, they were ready to face it together.


	2. 18 months later

Kathryn felt another sharp pain course through her lower abdomen. The pain never seemed to end. 

“Chakotay I can’t do this.” 

He held her hand “Yes you can Kathryn, you are so strong.” 

She rode out the waves of pain until cries filled the room.

“Captain, Commander you have a little girl.” The EMH placed the crying baby on her mother’s chest. 

When the new parents looked into their daughter’s beautiful blue eyes, they knew it was fate.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and kind comments are what inspire me to keep writing <3


End file.
